There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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