the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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