We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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