i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
