I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
