I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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