I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
