I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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