How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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