My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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