I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i believe in u and ur pee
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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