he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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