omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
