Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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