pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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