I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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