Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
