You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
