but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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