i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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