i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
