kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
