how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
