Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
