I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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