Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
