this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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