Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
