I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize