i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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