There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
