I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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