if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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