Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
