so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
