We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
