The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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