I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
