That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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