That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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