Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
