Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
