i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
