sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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