The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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