Yo dont text me then not text me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
