I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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