ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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