even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
