I'm really into asian looking animals
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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