i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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