I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
