just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
