please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
