I want to make a zoo with you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
