is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
